“It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.” ~Rose Kennedy
The lingering effects of my spinal cord injury continue to plague my life and me. In fact, as the eighth ‘anniversary’ of my injury quickly approaches, I am feeling as if Dr. Liar continues to win this ongoing battle.
“This is caused by your spinal cord injury and there is little to nothing we can do,” are the words I have grown accustomed to hearing over and over from new as well as old doctors. And all I want to ask is “Why me?” I feel as if I am on a sinking ship and there are no lifeboats. I honestly hate feeling this way since I am a glass-half full kind of girl.
Why does Dr. Liar always get the best of me? Why do I always remember June 22? I have forgiven the lying neurosurgeon who changed the course of my life and then did everything he could to save his career, including committing perjury on the witness stand. Why am I given new medical problems that continue to remind me of the severity of my spinal cord injury and the damage done to my body?
I have been especially good to my body during the past year. I have lost 115 pounds by eating healthy and doing aquatic physical therapy. My blood work has improved and my Endocrinologist recently took me off of diabetes medication. I have detoxed my body from the harmful steroids and chemicals my body was consumed with causing Cushing’s syndrome, another medical condition attributed to the spinal cord injury. Now, the only ‘hope’ doctors can offer me are the toxins my body resists. So I am damned if I do and damned if I don’t.
When I was growing up and I used to wish for certain things, my Mom would always say, “Wishing is good time wasted.” However, for a change, I want to waste a bit of time. After all, I think I deserve it. So here goes: I wish I could turn back time where I would have never met Dr. Liar, never had surgery for a herniated disc and never had a spinal cord injury. I simply wish to be normal and live a normal life. Is it too much to ask?
During my time here on Earth I have definitely learned life is not fair and no one said it was going to be. I get that. Spinal cord injury and all, I don’t go around feeling sorry for myself. In fact, it takes A LOT to bring me down. Maybe it’s the time of the year adding insult to injury; maybe I have had enough. Whatever the case, I do think I am allowed a bit of self-pity time…at least an hour or two?
It amazes me how certain things in this complex world advance in record speeds, but when it comes to medical research it moves at a tortoise pace. My neuroscientist friend jumps through hoops for grants and funding and he is working to cure the problems those of us with spinal cord injuries deal with on a daily basis. However, even with the proper funding, medical advances seem far off in the future. Endless if you ask a patient.
And, when medical advances are made, insurance company obstacles are presenting yet another challenge. A simple non-invasive treatment I received for the past seven years previously paid for by my insurance company is now not covered by that very same insurance company. With no notice, no warning they simply began to deny coverage. Instead, they would prefer me to consider a more invasive procedure. I have appealed the insurance company’s decision twice and now have asked for an independent review. I bet I can predict the outcome.
I know in time I will put this latest setback behind me and see the silver lining once again. It would be easy to pine away, be depressed and give up; however, wouldn’t I be giving Dr. Liar full control of my mental health? I know I am a kinder and wiser person than he will ever hope to be. I may not be who I was eight years ago, in fact, I don’t know if I would recognize her. I also may have medical conditions I never dreamed of, but I am able to look at myself in the mirror and be proud of the life I have lived despite the multiple setbacks. At least that is what my mind is telling me…now if only I could just convince my heart.
©My Unplanned Life and http://www.shakinguplife.wordpress.com, 2013.