I thought I would share a poem I wrote a few years ago during a night when I was unable to sleep. Not wanting to wake my husband, I typed it with my left hand using my Blackberry. It is poetry in the raw, and trust me, I have no ‘rhyme or reason’ why I wrote it in this format — I have never written ‘poetry’ before and it took me just a few minutes to compose. I think it helps explain my pain, both mentally and physically, the frustration, hatred, guilt I was feeling being angry with God for allowing this injury to occur, and the uncertainty I was facing.
Also, my family and I began calling the neurosurgeon, ‘Dr. Liar,’ as a joke and it kind of stuck.
What happens when closing my eyes at night?
I am hit with a horrible sight?
That awful liar could it be?
I ask God each night to please help me!
Many unanswered questions spinning in my head
Falling asleep I’ve come to dread
Up pops that face I try to forget
Making me even more upset
Why is sleep so hard to take?
Could it be I feel somewhat fake?
Was not me who did a wrong
Or told lies all along!
Life is funny — an unusual thing
Something to enjoy and celebrate we sing
Shattered like a mirror, wasn’t my plan
Now I feel as if there is nowhere for me to land.
Those forever appointments with experts in the past
I am thankful that they didn’t last!
Talking about the past as if I’d forgotten
Makes me feel just downright rotten.
The mind seems to keep everything fresh
Even though I don’t get any rest
A daily pattern it does seem
Wish I could run away from this bad dream!
People want to say the right thing
But what comes out is sometimes mean
Why do you walk with a cane I want to know?
Are you sick or just a bit slow?
I cope even though I want to choke.
I’m mad but oftentimes sad and feeling broken.
This wasn’t a part of my lifelong plan
Even though I married the best man.
I will once again try to sleep
But muscle twitches keep moving my feet.
Just erase what is in my head
Instead of implanting it each time it hits the bed.
Take good care of me is what I said!
They all agreed and nodded their heads!
I have a good life I want to keep
But this happened during my sleep.
Be happy it could be worse
Says people who I want to curse.
Walk in my shoes for a day or two
You will change your mind and want to sue!
Being a Christian is both good and bad
Are we not allowed to feel sad?
Am I allowed to miss something so grand
Like shouting for the Phillies in the stands?
I pause and think
That this all happened in a blink.
Not easy to forget is what I know
The memories, the pain — oh please make it go!
I hate him I must admit
Dr. Liar is the person I can’t seem to forget.
A deceased person’s bone he put in my neck
The pain it didn’t erase I so easily get!
Forgiven him is the question asked
Not now, not yet, I say with a gasp!
He laughed, smiled, kept doing his job
Me on the other hand can’t even nod!
He will get what’s due my pastor said
“It’s in the Bible Jesus said!”
I must let go and not fall to his spell
He – not me will end up in Hell!
©My Unplanned Life and www.shakinguplife.wordpress.com, 2011.